17 Clear Signs of Toxic in-Laws and Ways to Deal With Them

Managing relationships with in-laws can be tricky, especially when they start to feel more like toxic in-laws.

You might be wondering… are they just difficult, or is there something more?

Sometimes, what starts as a minor annoyance can grow into something that impacts your peace, your relationship, and even your mental well-being.

Have you ever felt uneasy after spending time with them?

Maybe you’ve noticed patterns that make you feel uncomfortable, or perhaps you’re caught in the middle of their expectations and your own boundaries.

It’s tough when the people who are supposed to support your relationship seem to be pulling it apart instead. But don’t worry—you’re not alone in feeling this way. 

Sometimes, understanding what’s happening is the first step toward finding a way through it. Your well-being, your relationship, and your happiness are important… and they deserve to be protected, even when it comes to family.

How toxic in-laws can affect you and your marriage?

Toxic in-laws can create tension that seeps into every corner of your life. You might find yourself feeling drained after every interaction… or second-guessing your choices because of their constant criticism. 

Over time, this stress can spill over into your marriage, making it harder to connect with your partner. 

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells at family gatherings? This strain can erode the trust and intimacy that are so vital to a healthy relationship. 

It’s not just about the in-laws—it’s about the impact on your happiness, your peace of mind, and the bond you share with your spouse. Your well-being deserves to come first.

17 signs of toxic in-laws & How to handle them

Dealing with toxic in-laws can feel overwhelming, especially when their behavior starts to take a toll on your relationship and mental well-being. 

Whether it’s subtle comments that leave you questioning your worth or more overt actions that disrupt your peace, recognizing the signs of toxic in-laws is the first step towards protecting your happiness. 

If you’ve ever thought, “My in-laws hate me,” you might be dealing with more than just a personality clash. Here are 17 clear signs of toxic in-laws and some guidance on how to deal with toxic in-laws effectively.

1. Constant criticism

When your in-laws are toxic and criticize you regularly—whether it’s about your parenting, lifestyle choices, or even your appearance—it can feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. This constant negativity can chip away at your self-esteem and create tension in your marriage.

Over time, you may start to dread interactions with them, anticipating their harsh words and judgment. This pattern of behavior often leaves you feeling defeated, questioning your own choices, and doubting your worth.

How to deal with them

It’s essential to protect your self-worth by recognizing that their criticism reflects their issues, not yours. Set boundaries around what you’re willing to discuss, and consider limiting your interactions to avoid unnecessary stress. 

Communicate with your spouse about how this criticism affects you, and work together to present a united front.

2. Boundary violations

Toxic in-laws often disregard your boundaries, whether by showing up unannounced, meddling in your personal affairs, or imposing their opinions on your decisions. These actions can make you feel disrespected and overwhelmed.

You might notice that they continually push against your limits, ignoring your requests for space or privacy. This lack of respect can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration, making it difficult to maintain a sense of control over your own life and household.

How to deal with them

Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations, and be consistent in enforcing them. It may be necessary to have a frank conversation with your in-laws about what is and isn’t acceptable. 

If they continue to violate your boundaries, you might need to limit your interactions with them to protect your peace of mind.

3. Undermining your parenting

If your in-laws frequently question or override your parenting decisions, it can create confusion and frustration, both for you and your children. This behavior can undermine your authority as a parent and strain your relationship with your spouse.

You might find that your children become confused about who is in charge or that they start to question your decisions. This ongoing interference can make you feel powerless and can erode the trust and unity that are essential in co-parenting.

How to deal with them

It’s important to have a conversation with your spouse to ensure you’re both on the same page regarding parenting decisions. 

Together, you can present a unified front to your in-laws, making it clear that your parenting choices are not up for debate. If the undermining continues, consider limiting their involvement in situations where they might interfere.

4. Playing the victim

Toxic in-laws often portray themselves as the victims, twisting situations to make you appear as the one at fault. This manipulation can leave you feeling guilty, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. 

You might notice that they consistently shift the blame onto you, making it seem like you’re the problem in every conflict. This tactic can be emotionally draining, as it forces you to defend yourself and question your own perceptions of reality constantly.

How to deal with them

Recognize their victim-playing for what it is—a manipulation tactic. Stay calm and avoid getting drawn into their narrative. 

Instead of trying to defend yourself, stick to the facts and keep the focus on the issue at hand. It’s also helpful to discuss these dynamics with your spouse so they can support you and help maintain a healthy perspective.

5. Comparing you to others

Being constantly compared to others—whether it’s a sibling, a friend, or even an ex—can be incredibly damaging. Toxic in-laws may do this to make you feel inadequate or to assert their power over you. 

These comparisons can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity as you struggle to measure up to an unrealistic standard. Over time, this can erode your self-confidence and make you question your place within the family.

How to deal with them

It’s important to remind yourself that these comparisons are unfair and often stem from their insecurities or biases. 

Instead of engaging with their comparisons, focus on your strengths and the unique qualities you bring to your relationship. If the comparisons continue, calmly express how these comments make you feel and ask them to stop.

6. Exclusion from family events

If your in-laws frequently exclude you from family gatherings or make you feel unwelcome, it can be a clear sign of toxic behavior. This exclusion can leave you feeling isolated and hurt, especially when your spouse is caught in the middle. 

You may find yourself on the outside looking in, watching as they create memories without you. This sense of exclusion can deepen feelings of loneliness and alienation, making it difficult to feel like a valued member of the family.

How to deal with them

Talk to your spouse about how this exclusion affects you and explore ways to address it together. If the exclusion persists, consider whether it’s worth attending events where you’re not genuinely welcome. 

Focusing on building your own support network outside of these toxic dynamics can also help you feel more connected and valued.

7. Gossiping about you

Toxic in-laws often engage in gossip, spreading rumors or talking negatively about you behind your back. This behavior can create a toxic environment and damage your relationships with other family members. 

You might hear about the hurtful things they’ve said through the grapevine or notice a shift in how other relatives treat you. This can lead to feelings of betrayal and mistrust as you realize that your in-laws are actively working to undermine your reputation and relationships.

How to deal with them

If you discover that your in-laws are gossiping about you, consider addressing the issue calmly and directly with them. Let them know that you’re aware of what’s being said and that such behavior is hurtful and unacceptable.

Strengthen your relationships with other family members by being open and transparent about your feelings, which can help counteract the negative effects of gossip.

8. Manipulating your spouse

When your in-laws manipulate your spouse—whether by guilt-tripping, playing favorites, or controlling their decisions—it can create significant tension in your marriage. This manipulation can make you feel powerless and strain your relationship.

You might notice that your spouse becomes more distant or defensive after interacting with their parents, as they struggle to balance their loyalty to you with the demands of their family. This dynamic can create a wedge between you, making it difficult to maintain a strong and supportive partnership.

How to deal with them

Open communication with your spouse is key. Share your observations and feelings without placing blame, and work together to establish boundaries that protect your marriage. 

Encourage your spouse to recognize the manipulation and assert their independence from their parent’s control. Supporting each other in this process can strengthen your bond and reduce the impact of the manipulation.

9. Disrespecting your marriage

Toxic in-laws may show a lack of respect for your marriage by interfering in your relationship, making negative comments, or even trying to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. This disrespect can create feelings of insecurity and resentment.

You might find that they undermine your decisions as a couple or question your commitment to each other. Over time, this can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication as you struggle to protect your relationship from their influence.

How to deal with them

Stand firm in your commitment to each other and refuse to let their disrespect undermine your marriage. 

Make it clear to your in-laws that your relationship with your spouse is a priority and that any attempts to interfere will not be tolerated. Encourage your spouse also to take a stand, which will reinforce your unity as a couple.

10. Creating drama

If your in-laws thrive on creating drama, whether by stirring up conflicts, spreading rumors, or exaggerating situations, it can make family gatherings feel exhausting and stressful. This constant drama can take a toll on your mental health and your relationship.

You might dread family events, knowing that they’ll likely be filled with tension and conflict. This atmosphere of chaos can make it difficult to relax and enjoy time with your loved ones, leaving you feeling drained and on edge.

How to deal with them

Minimize your exposure to the drama by limiting your involvement in situations where it tends to arise. If possible, focus on maintaining a calm and neutral presence during interactions, refusing to engage in or escalate the drama.

Discuss with your spouse ways to protect your peace, whether that means leaving early, taking breaks, or skipping certain events altogether.

11. Refusing to acknowledge your feelings

When your in-laws dismiss or ignore your feelings, it can leave you feeling invalidated and unheard. This refusal to acknowledge your emotions is a form of emotional manipulation and can make you question your own experiences.

You might notice that they brush off your concerns or tell you that you’re overreacting. This can lead to feelings of frustration and self-doubt as you struggle to assert your needs and have your emotions taken seriously.

How to deal with them

Validate your own feelings first and foremost, recognizing that your emotions are legitimate and deserve respect. When addressing your in-laws, be assertive in expressing how their dismissal of your feelings affects you.

If they continue to invalidate you, consider distancing yourself from toxic in-laws emotionally and focusing on relationships that are more supportive.

12. Sabotaging your plans

Toxic in-laws might go out of their way to disrupt or sabotage your plans, whether by canceling at the last minute, making conflicting arrangements, or creating obstacles. This behavior can be frustrating and can make you feel like you’re constantly on edge.

You might notice that your plans often seem to fall apart when they get involved or that they create unnecessary complications that derail your efforts. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and resentment as you struggle to maintain control over your own life.

How to deal with them

Anticipate potential disruptions and have backup plans in place to mitigate their impact. Be clear and firm when making arrangements with your in-laws, and don’t be afraid to call out sabotage when it occurs.

Protect your peace by not allowing their behavior to derail your plans—remain flexible and focus on what you can control.

13. Expecting you to choose sides

Toxic in-laws may try to create division by forcing you or your spouse to choose sides in conflicts, often putting you in an uncomfortable position. This can strain your marriage and create unnecessary tension. 

You might feel like you’re constantly being pulled in different directions, with your in-laws demanding loyalty at the expense of your relationship. This dynamic can lead to feelings of guilt and confusion as you struggle to navigate the competing demands of your family and your spouse.

How to deal with them

Refuse to engage in their attempts to create division. Make it clear that you and your spouse are a team and that your loyalty lies with each other. 

Encourage your spouse also to resist being forced to choose sides and focus on making decisions that are best for your relationship. This united front can help prevent further attempts to divide you.

14. Using guilt as a weapon

Guilt is a common tool used by toxic in-laws to control and manipulate those around them. They might make you feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, for not doing things their way, or for simply living your life according to your own values. 

This guilt-tripping can wear you down over time and damage your self-esteem. You might find yourself constantly trying to appease them, even at the expense of your own happiness and well-being. 

This dynamic can leave you feeling trapped and resentful as you struggle to assert your own needs and desires.

How to deal with them

Recognize the guilt-tripping for what it is—a manipulative tactic meant to control your behavior. Stand firm in your decisions and values, and remind yourself that you’re not obligated to live your life according to their expectations. 

It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being over their demands. Communicate your boundaries clearly, and don’t be afraid to distance yourself if the guilt becomes too overwhelming.

15. Invading your privacy

If your in-laws frequently invade your privacy—whether by snooping, asking intrusive questions, or showing up unannounced—it can feel like a violation of your personal space. This lack of respect for your boundaries is a clear sign of toxic behavior.

You might notice that they constantly push against your limits, ignoring your requests for space or privacy. This can lead to feelings of frustration and helplessness as you struggle to maintain a sense of control over your own life and household.

How to deal with them

Set clear boundaries regarding your privacy and enforce them consistently. Let your in-laws know that their behavior is invasive and unacceptable. 

If they continue to disregard your boundaries, consider limiting their access to your home and personal information. Protecting your privacy is essential for maintaining a sense of security and control in your own life.

16. Competing for your spouse’s attention

Toxic in-laws might compete for your spouse’s attention, whether by demanding their time, emotional energy, or loyalty. This competition can create tension in your marriage and make you feel like you’re constantly battling for your partner’s affection.

You might notice that your spouse becomes more distant or defensive after interacting with their parents, as they struggle to balance their loyalty to you with the demands of their family. 

This dynamic can create a wedge between you, making it difficult to maintain a strong and supportive partnership.

How to deal with them

Encourage your spouse to recognize the unhealthy dynamic and to set boundaries that prioritize your relationship. Together, you can create a plan for managing your in-laws’ demands in a way that supports your marriage. 

It’s important to communicate openly about how this competition affects both of you and to work together to ensure that your relationship remains the priority.

Watch this podcast by Focus on the Family as they discuss transforming your relationship with your In-laws:

17. Refusing to apologize

One of the most telling signs of toxic in-laws is their refusal to apologize, even when they have clearly hurt or offended you. This lack of accountability can make it difficult to resolve conflicts and move forward. 

You might find that they consistently shift the blame onto you, making it seem like you’re the problem in every conflict. 

This refusal to take responsibility can be incredibly frustrating and can leave you feeling stuck as you struggle to find a way to move past the hurt and repair the relationship.

How to deal with them

Accept that you may never receive the apology you deserve, and focus on what you can control—your own healing and peace of mind.

Instead of waiting for an apology that may never come, work on setting boundaries that protect you from further harm. Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences and help you move forward without holding on to unresolved resentment.

Keeping the toxicity away

Toxic in-laws are something that you may have to deal with, no matter how much of a good match you are with your spouse. Sometimes, parents are unable to let their baby grow up and, in turn, want to control their life and relationship well into adulthood.

This list above explains some ways you can tell if your in-laws are toxic and if these ring true in your life. There is also advice on what to do if you are affected by in-laws that don’t like you.

One of the best things to do if you have in-laws who are disrespectful is to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to enacting rules and boundaries that others in your life, including your in-laws, need to abide by.

You can also work with a therapist for additional help and guidance and to strengthen your communication and marriage.